Who Do I Think I Am?

I've been going through an identity crisis. Perhaps it is the lack of continual sleep I gladly suffer for the sake of our new born daughter, perhaps it is the lack of concentration I feel on a daily basis. Maybe its God shaping me, or maybe (and I do hope this is not the case) it is me shaping myself. I know I'm no alone in this dilemma. There are plenty of people who suffer through this same type of battle. The symptoms include plenty of motivation but a lack of movement, the continuous temptation to compare oneself to others and to constantly be aware of ones' shortcomings. Scarcity, anxiety, and to be honest, guilt are all there as well, yet they can all be dressed up as a type of passion and motivation; however these are not the tools God uses to shape His own.

Israel and Saul are my Biblical touch points for my current condition. I say that as though I am some sort of hypochondriac. Israel's covetous lust for a tangible king in order that she may be like her neighbors caused them to settle for Saul, a man with a lot of promise, but whose own feelings of inadequacy, impatience, and scarcity caused him to not only lose God's blessing, but threw him headlong into a life of constant turmoil.

Israel, if only you could have found satisfaction in your King and Savior...

Saul, if only you could have sought God as the momentum and not your own power and wisdom...

I ache for Saul, and Samuel. These two leaders whose lives were designed for one another, and yet whose action caused the other to grow angry, resentful and left both wondering where they went wrong.

Father shape me. Rid me of the lust of success and bring me to a place where my unique and divine design can best serve your Kingdom and bring others into a lifesaving knowledge and relationship with Jesus. Let the Gospel have a hold on every part of my life and I pray that I may lead through the wisdom, power and guidance of the Holy Spirit.